Hannah Montana: The Movie (The Game), The ReviewBy Guest Columnist
Posted on May 17, 2011
At first glance, Hannah Montana: The Movie (the game) is like a digital version of Frosted Mini Wheats. The kid in you will love it for the Hannah Montana licence. The adult pedophile in you will love it for…the Hannah Montana licence. Anyway, the comparison is there. To compare it even more, Frosted Mini Wheats provide eight layers of whole grain fiber. Fiber is something that helps shoot bodily wastes from your body. Hannah Montana has a digital version of fiber that it feeds you; romantic drama. This digital fiber helps your body shoot out a different kind of waste…tears. The game is just packed with so many emotional moments. I haven’t been this moved while playing a video game since…well, ever. I cried. Repeatedly. I cried in sadness when Miley failed at being with the boy of her dreams. I cried with joy when she unexpectedly had a very touching, happy ending. This game actually made me drink Gatorade on a regular basis because I was dehydrating myself from losing so many tears.
Now that I’ve established that Hannah Montana: The Movie contains the absolute best story in the history of all video games, past, present, and future, let’s move onto the gameplay and see if Miss Montana can deliver there with her game, too. Long story short. She can. The gameplay is split into two parts: concerts and the rest of the game.
Like you saw if you witnessed that marvelous tutorial video above, concerts involve Hannah Montana being on stage while singing, dancing, and bothering her fantastic band why they struggle to concentrate on playing their instruments. This struggle by Miss Montana’s band folks is such a great thing to know…They struggle because they care about putting out a quality musical product for you. True story. Anyway, these concerts involve Hannah Montana doing all of those awesome activities while you input stuff to timed button commands. The better timed you are, the better score you get and the crowd will cheer for you and make you feel happier than one of those dogs in a Beggin’ Strips commerical. But wait! This is such a deep, feel-good game that even if you go out of your way to fail and get a score of 0, the crowd will cheer anyway and the story will advance on. That’s right. Hannah Montana is such a great performer that even if you make her be at her worst, she’s still good enough to earn the roars of the crowd and advancement in the game’s story. Can other video game icons do that? Mario? Master Chief? The Cheetahmen? No, they all can fail. They’re all losers. Miley Cyrus is a winner. Hannah Montana is a winner. By playing this game, you vicariously become a winner just by picking up the controller. Plain and simple.
The rest of the game is a radical third-person romp through the life of Miley Cyrus as she repairs chicken coops, goes shopping for dresses so cute you could just die for, and, ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, like totally meet the hottest guy in the whole county! I just screamed like a little girl in joy of remembering the happenings of this exquisite game. Oh and you can ride a horse, too! A white one! It’s like a unicorn sans horn. Since your unicorn lacks a horn, you get to punish it by riding it around an obstacle course and verbally abusing it in hopes of making more jumps prior to reaching the finish line This aspect of the game gave me a strong appreciation for the kind of person Miss Cyrus is; kind, loving, caring, but she also won’t take any lip from a stupid unicorn that was so stupid that it lost its stupid horn like the big stupid that it is. This third-person part of the game is also where the moving script (which should have won every award on the planet for its deep, philosophical views on cute clothing and hot guys) really puts you on an emotional roller coaster…A roller coaster that leaves you sprawled out on your couch next to a box of tissues and a container of bon-bons as you wipe away the tears and blow away that disgusting snot that has formed in your nostrils from the constant emotion pouring from your eyes.
There’s no more need to write here. Hannah Montana: The Movie is a must-play game for anyone who wants a deep, emotion-filled story, a bunch of concert levels where Hannah Montana is just plain too talented to lose at, the chance to buy cute clothing, and an attempt to land a really hot boy for illegal-type relations until you both become eighteen, in which it then becomes legal relations…But protection should still be used so they don’t get a case of the herpies. But anyway, Hannah Montana: The Movie is THE definitive next-gen game. If you haven’t played it yet, play it. Love it. Remember, this game is the digital version of Frosted Mini Wheats…
…And just like how Frosted Mini Wheats contains ten essential vitamins and minerals, Hannah Montana: The Movie receives a wonderful score of ten Betty Crocker spoons from me on my well-respected Betty Crocker Rating Scale. So play Hannah Montana: The Movie. Whether you’re into action-packed concert scenes or the romantic possibilities of roaming around an ostrich farm, this game definitely has the best of both worlds.
Ape is a paraplegic that once sued Juicy Fruit gum for false advertising after realizing that the taste had failed to move him. You can find more of his ramblings at www.mymomthinksimfunny.com and www.avideogamewebsite.com.